What do you do when your kid asks you tough questions about your divorce?
Kids are going to ask tough questions about their parents’ divorce, it’s inevitable. Here is the truth: Kids DO NOT need to know ALL the details of your divorce, any of the adult details of the divorce, or the hard truth about the divorce. Simply said, you can leave them out of it and let them be kids.
No matter if your child is 5, 15, or 35 – your kids don’t need to know the adult details of your divorce, and here are three reasons WHY:
Reason Number One:
- Let your children be children: kids and teens, even young adults have enough on their plate in life. Focus on what they NEED to know, rather than what YOU want them to know. Adult content shared with kids can be confusing, hurtful, or overwhelming for them.
Reason Number Two:
- It’s a different relationship: You had a SPOUSE-SPOUSE relationship (or partner/ partner) your kids have a PARENT-CHILD relationship with each of you. These relationships are fundamentally different from one another. The details you share about your spouse relationship most often have nothing to do with a parent-child relationship. Kids don’t have the life experience, brain development, or relational and emotional capacity to understand your spouse or partner relationship. And please don’t try and make them understand – they don’t need to.
Reason Number Three:
- Stay in your lane and your kids will benefit. Stay focused on your relationship with your kids and not their relationship with their other parent. Sometimes this is painful when the other parent can’t step up how you wish they would. Acceptance that you have no control over this and allowing your child to come to their own realization and conclusions of their other parent is your child’s right. Children get to choose who they love and they have a right to a relationship with each of their parents. Don’t be the bad-mouthing parent – instead, cultivate and nurture YOUR relationship with your kids.
After 20+ years of working with kids and families – believe us, kids figure it out. And do you really want to be the one who says all that negative stuff about their other parent?
As parents navigating divorce, you want the best for your kids AND it’s hard sometimes to see clearly in the “fog” of decision-making and big emotions that come up in this life transition. The more prepared you are to answer tough questions kids ask, the more confident you will feel in your ability to respond in a way that will keep your kids out of the middle.
Here are some scenarios we see often in our work with co-parents, your story may be similar or very different and we are here to help. If you need more support with a specific scenario or just want more tools, check out our online course here or sign up for a consultation call with one of us here.
Scenario 1: Your ex cheated on you.
Then your kids ask you, why are you getting a divorce? This is such a hard situation. If this is your reality we see you, and we hold space for the painful emotions you are navigating. When your kid asks you why you are getting a divorce, you may feel they need to know the truth. Ask yourself why you want your children to know this information? Then ask, will this information reduce anxiety for them, help them heal through this process, and help them to feel secure in their parents’ love for THEM? If your answer is NO – here is some help:
1) Please read reasons 1, 2, and 3 above.
2) How do you answer?
“We are getting a divorce because we no longer have a relationship that works for both of us. Some of the details of why we are getting a divorce are just between your (mom/dad) and I – they are “adult stuff” and you just need to worry about kid stuff. Some relationships change and end, but your relationships with your (mom/dad) and I are different and that will never end.”
Scenario 2: You have fallen out of love with your ex and have grieved the end of your marriage years ago.
Often times one person in the divorce is at the stage of GREIF and the other person is more at the stage of RELIEF – it can be so hard to pause and try and recognize where you and your spouse/partner are, but it can be helpful. What your kids need to know is different than what answers you may seek.
1) Please read reasons 1, 2, and 3 above.
2) How do you answer?
“Love can change in relationships between parents and we don’t love each other anymore like we used to. The love we each feel for you does not change though, it’s a different kind of love and we will always love you.”
Scenario 3: You and your ex fight all of the time and you both have decided it is best for your family to get a divorce.
This life transition is painful even when/if you both decided it was the best for each of you. Restructuring your family can be overwhelming and painful at times and kids will have many tough questions throughout the process.
1) Please read reasons 1, 2, and 3 above.
2) How do you answer?
“We are getting a divorce because we no longer have a relationship that works for both of us. Some of the details of why we are getting a divorce are just between your (mom/dad) and I – they are “adult stuff” and you just need to worry about kid stuff. Some relationships change and end, but your relationships with your (mom/dad) and I are different and that will never end.”
These are just some of the scenarios we have supported co-parents through, and we know your story is unique. If you need more help on answering kids’ tough questions about divorce, check out our free downloadable guide HERE.
We know the tough questions your kids ask about divorce are only one of the hundreds of challenges you are going through when you transition your family to two homes. Some days, it feels like everything’s a fight with your co-parent, you are wondering if you are doing the right thing and making the right decisions in your divorce. It’s all A LOT to process. That’s why we created our online co-parenting course, Parenting From Two Homes. If you are at your wit’s end, feeling overwhelmed, and just need some compassionate, shame-free support- our course will guide you to a more helpful approach to co-parenting and keep your kids out of the middle.
